Since 1988, October 11th has been declared National Coming Out Day. Initially, this all started in the United States but has since been adopted around the world. In 2017, there are now conversations about whether or not anyone from the LGBT+ community should have to ‘come out’. In some respects, this can be viewed as a very positive step. There are a growing number of people out there that feel a person’s sexuality is of no consequence and therefore they should not be expected to declare their sexuality and in an ideal reality, this would certainly be the case. In an ideal world, Adam should be able to just say, ‘yeah Steve and I are dating’, just like he would tell people if he was dating Eve. However, the way in which society currently stands, Adam would have either announced that he was a gay man beforehand or he would concurrently be announcing his sexuality by revealing a relationship with another man. I think there is a lot to be spoken about regarding labelling here, which is a subject for another day but I will just say that unfortunately, we are still in a place where society has to place a label on our personal relationships rather than those relationships being simply about the person who we fall in love with. I’ll be discussing the structure of labels more in a future article.
Getting back to the subject currently at hand, I think it is important to understand why National Coming Out Day came about and also, what the act of coming out actually symbolises, perhaps not to everyone, but to plenty of people. I have discussed the power of celebrities coming out before, which you can go back and read HERE.
At its core, National Coming Out Day or NCOD is a day of awareness. Back in 1988, the notion was grounded in the feminist and gay liberation spirit. It calls on people to make their personal situation a political one. The act of coming out can be seen as a fundamental form of activism. By declaring your sexuality to those around you and living life as an openly gay man (or any of the other sexualities or gender identities) you are making a statement against homophobia. A homophobia that would thrive in a world of silence and ignorance. Fundamentally, by coming out to your nearest and dearest you may find that it actually changes their views about homosexuality. Ultimately, everyone is connected to at least one person in their life, whether directly or through the famous people they know of, who is gay. Whether that person is ‘out’ is another matter. I found this quote from Robert Eichberg, psychologist and gay rights leader from back in 1993 which sums this belief up perfectly:
"Most people think they don't know anyone gay or lesbian, and in fact everybody does. It is imperative that we come out and let people know who we are and disabuse them of their fears and stereotypes."
I can certainly state, categorically, that I have found this to be the case. I have had quite a few friends talk to me about how they were homophobic in their younger years but have learned, through now having friends who are open about their sexuality, that their homophobia was misguided. They genuinely believed that they didn’t know any LGBT people and that it was weird, different and not right. They themselves will also declare that they are now intolerant of homophobic views and opinions. I have even had a friend of ours who has a teenage son ask me and my husband to spend time around them as a family. At the time, the son was going through that very impressionable teenage period where a lot of the rhetoric around him from his peers was that gay = bad and where homophobia was a common part of bullying. Being surrounded by this homophobia and thought process the son had started to pick up on some of it. The idea of the son seeing and being around a gay couple in a ‘normal’ setting was to show him that being gay was no big deal and to counteract that homophobia.
For me personally, I have always felt that the process of coming out comes from years of an unspoken pressure to behave in a ‘normal’ ie heterosexual way. Heterosexuality is the ‘default’ and therefore, particularly in our early years, we are raised to conform to this standard. Obviously, the world is evolving and I know a huge number of parents who refuse point blank to raise their child to adhere to this standard and they actively promote the idea that their child can love whomever they like. I applaud each and every one of them because, for each parent that does that, they are breaking down the belief that heterosexuality is the normal and therefore homophobia is abnormal. As the feminist Adrienne Rich describes in her journal “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”, heterosexual people never have to come out as heterosexual which is an example of the way that homosexuality is considered an anomaly.
By having a noted date each year where people are encouraged to come out, it turns that one singular voice and turns it into thousands, making a very strong statement to the world around them. It is a statement to that teenager sitting in his room alone, feeling isolated and that he is abnormal, confused by his own feelings. It tells him, he is not alone.
Naturally, there is a darker side to having a day such as NCOD. For some people, it simply isn’t safe for them to come out yet and therefore, the encouragement for them to declare their sexuality could lead them to harm. In certain communities around the world, coming out could lead to perfectly legal discrimination or violence. In those situations, I would argue that even if that person is unable to be out and proud just yet, at least they can live with the knowledge that a large part of our world thinks they are brilliant just the way they are and in effect, we are hoping to change that view so that one day, they can be open too.
Of course, we are now in 2017 and a lot has changed in the 24 years since Eichberg made his statement but there is still a long way to go. LGBT people are a much bigger presence in our communities and our society on the whole but unfortunately, homophobia does still exist. We are not yet at that time where it is a non-issue and therefore we can remain silent on the subject. For now, we have to embrace that LGBT label and show it with pride so that in future years, others may not have to.
I will leave you with another quote from Adrienne Rich which I think sums up coming out, for anything at all I should add, perfectly:
“That's why I want to speak to you now. To say: no person, trying to take responsibility for her or his identity, should have to be so alone. There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep, and still be counted as warriors. (I make up this strange, angry packet for you, threaded with love.) I think you thought there was no such place for you, and perhaps there was none then, and perhaps there is none now; but we will have to make it, we who want an end to suffering, who want to change the laws of history, if we are not to give ourselves away”.
Thanks for stopping by and reading x
UPDATE - If you want to read about when I came out, following the jump HERE
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